


Auspisticism For Beginners

by aelbereth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, F/M, Multi, mother knows best, vent your ashen frustrations through random brawls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 16:39:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4486923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelbereth/pseuds/aelbereth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Psiioniic realized it in the aftermath of the sixteenth time the great couple fought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Auspisticism For Beginners

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BiblioMatsuri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BiblioMatsuri/gifts).



 

The Psiioniic realized it in the aftermath of the sixteenth time the great couple fought. It was more of a bicker. He wanted to go out to lecture (ahem, _give a sermon to_ ) the people of their current town of residence, but she wanted him to stay in and relax, “for once,” she said, “in your overly important life.” The Signless refused. The Dolorosa sighed, and the Psiioniic left the tent. 

He hated verbal fights - everyone got hurt, but not in ways that could be easily fixed. So, rather than be forced to take a side, he took a walk. He wandered into the town centre, where a small brawl was taking place. This, at least, was something he could deal with. 

The Psiioniic stepped into the circle of trolls coagulating around the fighters and invited the hive mind to take over. Bloodlust spilled over from the wrestling pair in the middle, infecting the growing crowd. He turned to a greenblood beside him and tried to ask why the brawlers were fighting, but it came out as more of a growl. The greenblood understood, though, and told the Psiioniic irritably that the two were formerly happy moirails who had hidden their concupiscent feelings from each other. Apparently there had been many bets on their becoming flushed, but it seemed the local gossips had misunderstood the tension. The greenblood himself had bet that the younger of the pair, a non-powered yellowblood, would kill her rust quadrantmate before anyone realized she wanted him. 

This explanation was incredibly boring, but before the Psiioniic’s informant could ramble any further, a delicious scream from one of the fighters drew the circle of onlookers in closer and the greenblood was pushed away. 

The Psiioniic wanted a fight - something he could come home from with bruises and pride. As he stepped closer to the fray, however, he found himself lifting the rust troll under one arm. While his prisoner tried to retaliate, telekinetically pelting him with rocks, the Psiioniic picked up the yellowblood with his other arm and flashed red and blue enough that the crowd backed away. Rather than zapping everyone into submission as he’d planned, he set the quadrantmates down a few feet from each other and stood between them. Blood rushed in his ears - what was he doing? The yellowblood stopped snarling at her former moirail long enough to hiss at the Psiioniic, but it took him a few moments to realise what she had said.

“We don’t need an auspistice!”

_What._

 

Back at the camp, the Dolorosa wasn’t worried. Her son was dynamic, to say the least. He pitied everyone, but he was stubborn. He had fought with her, he had tried to fight with the Psiioniic, and he was fighting with his matesprit.

They were disagreeing more often than she’d like, but the Dolorosa didn’t think they would fall into caliginous romance. 

The Disciple was holding her own in the argument, and it didn’t look like it would quiet down anytime soon, so the Dolorosa quietly slipped out of the tent. She’d seen the Psiioniic leave some time before - knowing him, he had probably gone down to the village and found a fistfight to show off his powers at. A few growls sounded from inside the tent, and the Dolorosa decided that dragging the Psiioniic out before he got too badly hurt was a better use of her time than sitting and waiting for her son to calm down. She began to walk towards the town.

The moons were rising on the horizon as the Dolorosa reached the village centre. She could see the marks of a fight and the litter of a crowd, but there was no one in sight. Letting out a sigh, she began searching for the erratic Psiioniic.

 

Said erratic Psiioniic was hyperventilating. He had dispersed the crowd with a few growls and some energy blasts, left the fighters to their own violent devices, and fled to an nearby alleyway. _Auspistice?_ he thought, panicking. _I don’t DO auspisticism! I just wanted a fight! I absolutely was NOT flirting!_ His thoughts continued as such until the Dolorosa shook him firmly by the horns.

“Tell me what happened.” Her voice was as unrelenting as her grip.

The Psiioniic told her what had gone on in the square. He told her what the yellowblood had said, and why he had run.

“Please let go of my horns,” he said.

She did so, and then knocked on his head. “You do know you’re a grubmunching idiot.”

“Yes! Ow! Why am I an idiot now?”

“You do like clubs, dear. You like them very much. I can think of a certain couple you auspisticize almost every chance you get. Artsy greenblood and a mutant with a mom. You may know who I’m talking about?”

“Oh Gl’bgolyb,” the Psiioniic gasped. “I’m in clubs with my best friends.”

“You’ve got it! And honestly, it’s about time. Those two have been fighting more and more often, and their sex seems very violent.”

The Psiioniic turned bright yellow. “I do NOT need to know that. Even if I do auspisticize, it is very, very conciliatory.”

“Are you sure?”

“YES!”

“Fine, if you want to be boring like that. You’re ashen for those two, and you just have to let them know. I’m sure they’ll love to have you.” With that, the Dolorosa walked away, leaving him with his very confused thoughts.

 

**~ c3 < ~**

 

****The seventeenth time the great couple fought, it was another tiny thing that set it off.

“Dearest,” the Signless asked, “do you have to click your teeth like that?”

The merry band was walking at the time. They were just coming to a stream, the first source of water in a long while. Before the Disciple could respond, the Dolorosa pointed out that they really should stop and rest for a while. The Psiioniic heartily agreed. 

“I’d been thinking the same thing!” he said, but he hadn’t. He had been frantically casting for a scheme that would prevent the Signless’ comment from enraging the already tired Disciple. _Great,_ he attempted to tell the Dolorosa with his eyebrows. _I haven't even started being an auspistice and I’m failing._ The translation fell through on her side, however, because the rest of his face was engaged in a look of extreme gratitude.

Everyone sat down on the bank of the stream. The Psiioniic carefully placed himself between the aggravated and the aggravator. He was ready.

He was so, so not ready.

“What do you mean,” the Disciple sneered, leaning behind the mediator to glare at her matesprit, “I click my teeth?”

“Well,” the Signless remarked offhandedly, “it’s just a thing I’ve noticed. A little habit. I can hear it when I walk next to you, and it disrupts my concentration. Would you _mind_ stopping?”

“I have no idea I’m doing it! Does anyone else hear this? Psiioniic?”

The Psiioniic had no idea what to say. He wished desperately for the intuition he’d had in the town square, but his instincts gave him nothing. “I don’t hear it, but I don’t walk as close to you as Signless does. Maybe he’s got very sharp ears?”

“You’ll bet he does. I can’t get a word in to you or the Dolorosa without him listening in!”

“Listening in!” The Signless was aghast. “I would never! It’s not like you talk about anything interesting anyways.”

The Disciple got up, walked around the Psiioniic, and slapped her matesprit. “I care about things that aren’t your sermons! Revolution or whatever is not the only thing on my mind, although it’s definitely the only thing on yours. How long has it been since we had time alone? You wouldn’t even know.”

The Signless stood up as well, and they began all-out shouting. The Psiioniic, sure that he was the worst potential auspistice in the history of everything, blocked out what they were saying. He walked away from the group, and the Dolorosa followed.

 

“What’s so bad about a kismesissitude?” He sighed, sitting under a tree where he could watch but not hear the couple, who were now doing something that looked like kissing with a lot more blood.

“It’s not right for them.” The Dolorosa sat next to him. “Our little movement is so small that a violent relationship would break us up. Not to mention you would keep pining away and picking petty fights, which wouldn’t be good for our reputation.”

The Psiioniic sighed and laid his head on his hands. “I’m terrible at this. You should do it! You should auspisticize the whole world!”

“I wish.” She was laughing at him. Laughing! “You’ll get it. You just need practice.”

 

**~ c3 < ~**

 

****The eighteenth time the great couple fought, the Psiioniic was more prepared. Scared out of his wits, yes. But slightly more prepared. He didn't have a script or a rope to tie them up with, but he did have every ashen scene in several romance novels memorized.

All that fell apart, of course, when his temper got in the way.

 

“Signless. I pity you, but that will change if you put tarragon in that pot.”

“My darling Disciple. You have a whole lawful of cumin about to go in. I should be licensed to a spice of my own.”

The Disciple grabbed the Signless’ hand before he dumped several sprigs of tarragon into their dinner. “No. You know nothing about this. You didn’t help with the rest of the food prep, you can’t help now.”

“You didn’t help until the Dolorosa said it was five minutes from done!”

“That’s still more than you did!”

This was nothing like the romance novels. The Psiioniic's only hope was that gut instinct that had guided him the first time he'd auspisticized. He waited, but felt no miraculous push towards the right course of action. _Fuck this,_ he thought. _They're giving me a headache._

“SHUT UP!” He roared. “No one CARES how you cook the food! I am hungry and the Dolorosa is hungry and _you two_ are probably only fighting like this because YOU’RE HUNGRY TOO! Please, Disciple, you probably shouldn’t put in that much cumin anyway.” She growled and the Signless started to back away from the Psiioniic.

“I’ll leave and let you two sort this out, all right?”

“Oh. no.” the Psiioniic turned on him, and the great leader looked terrified (and mildly aroused). 

His mother sniggered from the sidelines. 

“You are one of the instigators of this fight, and you will help make it up as well.” The accused turned to the Disciple for help, but she was flushed green and staring at the Psiioniic.

“Wow.” Her mouth was hanging open. “You are very…” 

“Adept.” _This is adorable,_ thought the Psiioniic. _They’re finishing each other’s sentences._  

“At - wow.”

“We like you. This is a good idea.”

 

The Dolorosa left the tent, but no one noticed. She wasn’t needed after this fight.

 

**~ c3 < ~**

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> prompt by BiblioMatsuri:  
> The Signless and the Disciple start having some very nasty disagreements, about methods or security or even what spices went into dinner to make it taste less like crap. The Psiioniic auspisticizes - possibly not even on purpose. No one knows how the hell this happened, but it looks like it's working.
> 
> This was really fun to do! Thanks for the great prompt.


End file.
